


To Feel Like Myself

by DigitalKiss



Category: Teen Titans (Animated Series)
Genre: F/M, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Light Angst, Swearing, fear toxin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-22 18:44:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11386161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DigitalKiss/pseuds/DigitalKiss
Summary: Dick Grayson's greatest fear?  Losing his family and his best friend in the same night.  Unfortunately, it's not just a hallucination.In which a fear-toxin infected Nightwing goes on a rampage through Gotham.  Jinx, the childhood friend that's part of his nightmare, chases after him.





	To Feel Like Myself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Avamarie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avamarie/gifts).



Nightwing watches the docks from his vantage point on the roof.  There’s a drug shipment tonight, a new pill by the name of _Charmer_ , which upon analysis in the Batcave consisted of cannabis, ecstasy, and Adderall, of all things.  The victims tended to feel fantastic - until the Adderall fully kicked in with the ecstasy.  The lucky ones were sent to the emergency room and hospitalized for a week.  The unlucky ones bled out from blood loss after biting off their tongues.

Although the importance of the mission was not lost on him, he couldn’t help but smile.  Jinx was returning to Gotham tonight to report on her undercover work in the Injustice League.  It had been months since he last saw her, thanks to Bruce’s suggestion that she keep her criminal identity.  Work undercover for the Batman, passing on crucial data from the villain’s side to gain the Justice League’s (namely, Bruce’s) trust.   

When he became Nightwing, Bruce had ordered Jinx to infiltrate the Injustice League.  It was a tactically smart move, and he knows that she can more than take care of herself … but.

He’s interrupted by movement below.  Two black cars drive onto a shadowed section of the dock.  4, no 5 figures step out to meet two men that emerge from a small yacht.  He taps the side of his mask and takes a closer look.  A pair of hands, holding a small wooden box with dozens of colorful pills.

The men never see him coming.  Silently, he drops through the air and slams into the shoulders of one thug, bringing him down and cracking his head against the wood planks.  Simultaneously, he rolls forward and brings his eskrima sticks up, knocking out two with the back end and paralyzing another two with a well placed electrical spin.  The dealers run, but he makes short work of them with a few batarangs.  The group lies unmoving in the smoke.  He begins pulling out zip ties, securing their wrists to each other in a circle.

“N-Nightwing?” a child’s voice calls out softly, trembling with fear.  Dick turns around and spies a small girl on the yacht, hands wrapped around her stomach.  Her face was deathly pale and she looked on the verge of tipping over.  Without hesitation, he rushes to her and catches her in his arms before she could fall. 

“Hey kid, you’re safe.  What’s your name?”

Her lips have a yellowish tinge, he realizes.  Which is strange, because cold would make it purple and -

There’s a small stab of pain in his neck, next to where the child’s hand clung to him.  She staggers away, her crying growing fainter by the second.  The last thing he sees before he blacks out is four syringes gripping the edge of the cabin door. 

* * *

They’re amazing.  The agility in which they fly, leaping through the air as easily as if they were on the ground.  He wishes he can be like them someday.  That’s why he’ll train and train as an acrobat, and maybe someday Jinx and him can fly through the air with them.  Although she’d have to change her name - would she mind being called a Grayson?

He grins at the thought and reaches out towards his mother, who has her hands out for him to take.  One solid hold and he’ll fly with them, he can do this, he can do this, it’ll be just like all the practice runs.  5, 4, 3 -

CREEEEAAAAK.

The blood turns to ice in his veins.  He stares at his parents, eyes widening with horror.  They have just enough time to look at him in fear before they stop flying.   

His mother calls for him.

 

 

 

He screams.

The crowd is silent, but his head is roaring, the sickening _splattering sound echoing on a continuous loop._  Vaguely, he’s aware of hands pulling him back from the ledge, grabbing him before he could jump after his parents.  They’re fine - a broken leg, they won’t be able to perform for a while, but they’ll be fine.

 _No no no nononononono_.

He blinks the tears away, and he’s no longer on the ledge.  There’s grass underneath his knees and hands, and a sliver of light from the circus tent entrance illuminates the form of a young girl with pink hair.  She’s shaking, crying, and Dick wants to reach out to her.  Bury his face in her arms and cry their hearts out together.  But she runs past him, fleeing the scene.  

“Come back!”  he yells, but no sound emerges from his throat.  The glow that surrounds her is quickly swallowed by the darkness.

She never even looks back.

Why … why is she leaving?  She’s the only family he has now, she has to come back.  If she doesn’t, he’ll be all alone, and _whatishegoingtodo, his parents, now Jinx_ ?  No, he can’t do this alone , he can’t _can’tcan’tcan’t -_

There’s a glimpse of sirens, of ugly laughter, shadows of thugs demanding money, and he can’t _breathe_ .  He grabs the nearest torch and runs after her, swinging at all the audience members in his way.  The pink glow is fading, he has to run faster, he _can’t lose her too_.

* * *

“Batman to Red Robin.  Report.”

The young detective looks around at the chaos with a faint grimace.  The sirens are blaring loudly as police rush to contain the escaping inmates.  Considering how this was Arkham, they were not faring well.  Batons, guns, paralyzers, and tasers might as well be nerf guns to the crazies.  

“Not good.  The entire wall of the East wing collapsed.  GCPD needs reinforcements, but someone has to go after Nightwing.”  

“Suggestions?”

“Batgirl, Black Bat, and I should stay here for damage control.  Hood’s run off - I believe he’s going after Scarecrow.  Robin has the best chance with Nightwing.”

“Understood.”  Batman’s tone is nothing but professional, but Tim could hear the strain of worry.  Contrary to what Todd thought, Bruce loved his sons - you just had to look very, very closely for proof.  “I’m still in Croatia, but I’ll be back as soon as I can.  Oracle will assist Robin in locating Nightwing.”

Tim nodded and after signaling the others, threw himself into the fray.  None of Arkham’s residents were getting free tonight. 

* * *

She’s no longer a 5-year old.  She looks to be around 10, both fierce and graceful in her movements.  There’s a flash of hexes from left and right, then the pinkette throws in a left hook followed by a spin kick.  He deflects the swing and jumps back, trying to ignore how familiar their fight felt. 

“Turn yourself and the HIVE Five in.  Or I’ll have to take you down the hard way.”  

His best friend doesn’t stand down, but he doesn’t expect her to.  She’s always been proud and stubborn to a fault, which was part of what made her such good competition during circus practice.  Jinx could have been so much more, he thinks as he kicks his legs out and sends her sprawling dangerously close to the edge of the roof, what possessed her to become a villain?   

Bad luck didn’t mean she was _bad_.  Chaos was as much a part of this world as order, and “light” didn’t always mean “good”, as Dr. Fate clearly showed.  It was the choices they made that defined them, their interactions and the way they struggled through life.  He’s told her that as a child, while they watched bad crime shows together on the beat up television that had a permanent horizontal static line.

So **_why_ **. Why did she run away and join a group that trained and sold mercenaries?  Why did she work in a team that didn’t even bother to watch her back?  He can see all the openings her team left her as they cackled in their own fights, taking her protective hexes for granted.

He lashes out in frustration and Jinx quickly rolls away.  But she’s too close to the edge, and nearly falls off.  

_The splattering sound echoes continuously._

_Not her, she can’t die in front of him too._

Nightwing grabs her roughly by the arm and pulls her back from the ledge.  He knows her fight pattern, knows that her next move would be to hex him off her, and then he’d lose her again.  She’d run, continue her life of crime, leaving him alone to deal with the demons.

So he pushes down with his other arm and _feels_ the bone splinter under his hands.

The sound makes him vomit, retching up watery bile into the drainage on the edge of the roof.  When he wipes his mouth, Jinx is gone.

“Robin to Jinx.  We … may need you to reroute.”  50 feet below, huddled behind a couple of cardboard boxes, Damian clutches his arm and gives the dark sky a disapproving _tch_. 

* * *

She’s almost _home_.  Just a few more miles and she’d see Dick again.  If he’s busy on patrol, she’d practice her stealth techniques and see how long it takes the the blue crusader to notice her.  If he’s off duty, well, even better.  Being with the Injustice League tended to make her forget her sense of self, and there was no one better than Dick to remind her who she really was.

The comm link in her ear buzzed, and she twitches in surprise.  The voice that comes out is _definitely_ not one that she expected.  If Damian is contacting her - her stomach twists.  

“Where’s Nightwing?  What happened?”  

“Scarecrow.  Nightwing’s on 42nd and Olive, heading south.  If you move west now, you’ll hit him in 8 blocks.  And Jinx?  Be careful.”  Oracle’s worried voice only added to her anxiety.  The witch’s eyes were starting to burn pink as she shoves a wad of cash at the driver.

“Get me to 42nd and Olive in 5 minutes, and you can keep the change.” 

4 minutes and 49 seconds later, Jinx scrambles out of the cab.  At Oracle’s confirmation, she takes a running start and quickly jumps up the sides of the fire escape.  Tossing aside her usual grace, she lands on the rooftop and quickly scans for her friend.

He looks _awful_.

There’s a streak of blood running down a cut on his cheek, matching the dozens of wounds that Damian presumably left all over his chest and arms.  The left lens in his mask was cracked, and he had almost completely worn out the padding in his gloves.  His eskrima sticks were in his hands, gripped so tightly Jinx was sure his knuckles were white.  She takes a step closer, voice soft and hands out as if she were talking to a wounded and mistreated tiger. 

“Nightwing.  Are you there?  Can you-”  

Her words are cut off as Nightwing snarls.  It’s a guttural sound, full of anger and betrayed.  Jinx bites down on her lips, then presses it down into a flat line.  It’s not hard to guess what Dick’s worst fears would be.  And there would be time to hate herself later, to apologize to him and go do something utterly stupid and dangerous on patrol to feel even the slightest bit less guilty.

But right now, Nightwing needed to be stopped.  When he comes at her, in a storm of metal and electricity, she moves into a defensive position and blocks his his every move, his every strike.  Hates how easily she can predict his movement, hates how one flash of her eyes can send a fear-blinded Nightwing staggering away.  When he gets too close, she deflects the strike, the current of hexes running continuously over her skin protecting her from the shocks.  Not once does she go on the offensive.  Attacking will only make him more scared and even angrier.  It’s … not like she doesn’t deserve this either.

“You can’t leave again.” 

The raw grief in his voice hit her like a truck, making her pause with horror-stricken eyes.  It throws her off long enough for him to send her sprawling against the brick wall in the middle of the roof.  The mortar gives under the impact and she’s falling, hitting the flight of staircases hard.  There’s a sharp crack as her head hits the side of a step and her vision swims, but she shoots a hex straight into her thigh to bring herself back in focus.  Thankfully, she doesn’t tumble too far, landing instead in front of a door labeled “Floor 9”.

There’s a whooshing sound above her, and she barely manages to roll away fast enough to avoid the ends of the escrima sticks.  She whips her hand out and the weapons are knocked down the flights of stairs with a hollow metallic clinking.

He throws a punch that would have broken her cheekbone had she not grabbed it, used his own weight against him, and sent him staggering to the opposite wall.  Jinx watches as he pants harshly, turning around to charge at her again.

“Couldn’t … Batman.  ‘M sorry.  Wanted to tell- ”  

Her heart is heavy as the realization sinks in.  He had to be referring to their fight - Dick had spent an entire year as Robin when she was with the Titans and failed to inform her that her _childhood friend was a comms link away_ , even going so far as to approach her and lie in his civilian identity.  That the thought of her running away again would be in his worst fears-

She deflects his charge and switches sides again, watching as the pause between each attempt growing longer and longer.  It seems to take an eternity, but eventually he stops.  Hand resting against the wall, head hung low as he searches for breath.  When he finally staggers towards her again, she doesn’t move.  Jinx waits until he’s close, then wraps her arms around him, pulling his body flush against her.

He slumps in her arms, ends of black hair brushing against the sides of her neck.  Jinx takes deep breaths, willing him to breathe with her.  Vaguely, she hears herself murmuring nonsensical words, over and over again, until the muscles in his back have relaxed and they’re breathing evenly together.

“You back with me, _Noapte_?”

There’s a hoarse laugh, and she feels his embrace grow tighter.  There’s still an edge of fear in the way his breathing trembles, but the pinkette’s mostly sure the worst was over.  At the very least, he wasn’t trapped in the hell he had hallucinated earlier. 

Strong arms around her go slack, and her knees suddenly buckle under the strain of a dead-weight acrobat collapsed over her.  Not for the first time, she thanks the gods of fate that Dick was, at least in terms of superheroes, fairly light.  Nothing like Jason, at least, who had almost crushed her into suffocation last time she had to hex him back to sanity.  With a wry grin and deep breath, she turns around to pull him on her back, holding onto his hands in front of her chest.  

When she finally makes her way down all 9 damn floors, she hexes the nearest telephone booth for change and calls for a cab.  The same cabbie from earlier pulls up, gaping at them before getting out of the taxi and helping her maneuver Dick into the backseat.  Jinx sits down and breathes a sigh of relief, then reaches for the seat belt (she’s a villain, not an idiot).   

“Take us to 2nd and Haslow.  If you talk, do anything stupid, or drive badly, I’ll show you how I kicked Nightwing’s ass.”

The ride back is blissfully smooth and silent. 

Red Robin and Batgirl are waiting for them when they arrive, their motorcycles replaced with a large black sedan.  The three strap an unconscious Nightwing onto the gurney and attach an IV before returning to the Manor.

Jinx somehow falls asleep on the 5 minute ride, because she blinks and they’re parked.  Cass, who is still in gear but  cowl-less, is shaking her awake.  Her expression is mostly unreadable, but she doesn’t seem angry.  Behind her, Barbara looks at her with concern.  

“You okay there?”

 “I’m fine.”  her voice is slightly slurred sounding, even to herself, and she can see the girls glancing silently at each other.  With a huff, she snaps her fingers and releases the seat belt lock, then staggers as gracefully as possible out of the car.  Jinx leans against the side of the car and squints at the brightness of the garage.  

“How’s Dick?”

“He’s sleeping off the rest of the venom in the cave.  This strain is particularly potent, but thankfully wears off quickly.  His … rampage also help burn some of it out of his system.”

“And Scarecrow?”  She pushes herself away from the car and starts weaving her way through the ridiculous number of expensive sports cars, making her way towards the elevator.

“Red Hood - Jason got him.  He’ll be transferred to Arkham once he recovers from his injuries.”  

So he was alive.  That was surprising.  Knowing Jason, he probably just didn’t want to upset Dick anymore, considering the circumstances.  Jinx knows she should probably ask about Gotham, the damages done to the city, and Damian, but fuck that right now.

“Jinx, you-” 

“Can one of you key me in?”  She’s only allowed in the Batcave for emergencies, and well, this was an emergency.  She waits as Barbara opens the elevator, then staggers in.  Vaguely, she hears something about Alfred and debrief, but she’s too tired to listen.  Once they’re in the cave, she staggers over to the med-bay’s single occupant.  He’s covered in bandages and there’s a grayish hue to his skin, but at least he would be fine.

Grabbing one of the chairs, Jinx drags it next to Dick’s bed and curls up in a ball.  She searches underneath the blankets until she finds his hand and holds onto it, feeling the steady pulse in his veins. 

She doesn’t remember falling asleep, Alfred’s frown as he bandages her head and back, and Barbara’s soft _thank you._

* * *

The sound of screaming wakes her up.  She jumps up, knocking the chair away and throwing herself on the tangle of limbs and blankets.  Her legs straddle his waist tightly as she pins him down.  Pale fingers dig into her skin hard enough to draw blood, and she runs a small current over her skin.  It’s not much more than a static shock, but the figure underneath her relaxes, the screaming breaking off into hoarse coughing.

She kisses his forehead and rubs her cheek against his before burrowing between his neck and pillow. 

It happens 11 more times, but each session is shorter than the last.

* * *

When Dick wakes up, the pain is the first thing he registers.  It feels like he was hit by a truck, except there was no dull pain in his ribs signaling broken bones.  There’s a bitter taste in his mouth, and his lips are cracked and bleeding.  A small body presses against his chest, and he lifts himself up slightly to see a mess of pink hair.  

“You are both in dire need of a shower.”

He looks up to see Damien scowling at them, his arm tucked snugly in a sling.  Immediately, guilt racks him and he grimaces, mouth opening to form an apology.  How could he have hurt Dami like that, even under the influence of fear venom?  

“She said that if you made a face like Superman when he’s being an idiot, I should tell you, quote: None of it was your dumbass fault and if you insist on being a dumbass angsty teen about it then I’m taking your Nightwing outfit until you get your dumbass head out of your ass.”

Dick huffs a laugh at Jinx’s words spoken in Dami’s monotone voice and sighs, fingers unconsciously reaching for the original speaker of said words.  It didn’t change the fact that he hurt Dami, and the few memories of what had happened let him know about Arkham, but … Jinx was right.  Wallowing in self-guilt about Scarecrow wouldn’t do anything for them.  He’ll make up for it later with extra hours on the force and patrol.  His fingers trail through her hair, gently pulling the tangles free.  

There’s a cough from the side.  “I’ll go get dinner.”

“Thanks, Dami.  And, I’m sorry.”

He doesn’t turn around, but Dick can feel the internal eye roll.  “Help me convince Father to allow the new bike upgrades and we’re even.”

The cave is quiet save for the heart monitor.  He’s glad that no one’s around to hear the beeping skip in rhythm as he pulls Jinx a little closer, and she unconsciously wraps her arm around the back of his neck.

Fear was just that, fear.

He avenged his parent’s death, he had a new family, a new purpose.  Jinx was here now, and Scarecrow’s toxin could go fuck itself.

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by my dear friend and writing partner, AvaMarie.
> 
> Backstory: In this universe, Jinx and Dick were childhood friends in Haly's Circus. Jinx ran away because she thought her "bad luck" caused the Grayson's accident, leaving Dick alone and betrayed. After Jinx becomes a Titan, they reconcile. Dick reveals his identity to Jinx and is consequently fired, becoming Nightwing. Jinx now works undercover as a villain, feeding information to Batman in order to gain the heroes' trust. Nightwing is 24, and Jinx is 25.
> 
> Naopte = Night in Romani.  
> Thank you for reading, comments and kudos are always appreciated!


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